As I sit here with what seems like the weight of the world on my shoulders, I find myself trying desperately to follow my own advice…have faith. Just today, I told my mom that the antidote to fear is faith. I explained to her that the only way to get past that which you fear is to believe…truly believe…that what you fear cannot hurt you. I knew it was true when I told her and I know it’s true now. So, why am I having such a hard time doing what I expected her to? Where is my faith when I need it?
The adage, “easier said than done” comes to mind but that doesn’t quite say it all.
What is it that’s I’m afraid of? Failure? I suppose that’s partly true but since I’ve never really failed, I don’t really know what it’s like. I suppose I don’t want to but that’s not it. Am I afraid of letting people down? Aside from my immediate family, I don’t really even consider what other people think about what I do or don’t do so that can’t be it either. Am I afraid of letting myself down? Definitely not. I don’t see myself through my successes and failures. What then?
I suppose I’m most afraid (if that’s even the right word) of being seen but being misunderstood. That’s it!!! To be seen but misunderstood is what I run from most.
Ironically, I spoke to Dumi today and mentioned how I feel about my journey with Ndugu. I wanted him to tell me it was all a misunderstanding…that I hadn’t failed. Wisely, he said nothing. In hindsight, that was just what I needed to hear.
My name is Adisa. It means, “he who makes his meaning clear” but I haven’t so far. This has always been my highest call and my biggest challenge. Not living my name is why I didn’t “finish” the journey that I started with Ndugu. However, I understand now that my journey is far from over.
I wonder often if my friends misunderstand me…if they think of me as just another salesman when they see an IM on their screen from me. I often shy away from what I could do for them (because I get compensated for it) as a result. I don’t want to be seen that way. I don’t want to be misunderstood. How to rectify the two is my challenge.
………..To Be Continued.